itsalluseless | week 2, sunday, after the trial

I told you, I knew they weren't going to kill me.

[That's... not an answer.]

I don't care about that! [ She bares her fangs at him in an angry snarl. ] You were willing to, what, just get fucking maimed for no reason? For your precious principles? Get a grip!

[He faces her properly now, scowling just as angrily back at her.]

You don't get it, do you? That attempt was the last bit of my principles I've got left here! The rest of the time I'm going against everything I stand for! I'm not just betraying every single person around me, I'm betraying my family! I'm betraying myself! Hell, in a way I'm even betraying Beato!

[And then, realising someone might hear him if he keeps yelling, he lowers his voice. Even as he speaks more quietly, though, the rage is still very much there.]

So come on, tell me I'm a fucking idiot. Or that I need to get off my high horse and just do what has to be done.

I. Don't. Care.

[ Her eyes kind of widen when he tears into her like that. But it probably doesn't have the effect he wants it to have. Maybe he wants a shouting match? To justify how terrible he feels? The hell would she know. All she knows is how she feels, watching Battler lash out like this. And the anger on her face will slowly drain away, leaving a brow furrowed low over a faint frown. ]

... you are a fucking idiot, [ she agrees, simply, but entirely without heat. Vriska will turn away from him to face the fading sun, pulling her hair back over her shoulders. ] But not for the reasons you seem to think you're a fucking idiot.

[ She sighs, the sound quiet. ] You know, Raven and I actually talked about you. About how you'd handle being one of the Sirens. We both thought you'd probably have the toughest time out of all of us. It doesn't surprise me we were right about that!

[ Now she'll look at him again, cool and thoughtful. ] Yell all you want about betrayal. You and I both know that's not really the problem. You just feel really fucking guilty for having to be involved in this, so you're blaming yourself for a situation you got forced into.

[She's not wrong. He always feels most comfortable when he can push against someone, whether through friendly banter or angry shouting. Vriska's refusal to lash back leaves him off balance, unable to vent his feelings the way he wants.]

...Of course I feel guilty. [And so, he just deflates. What is even the point of yelling at Vriska if she won't return it in kind?]

We're not the good guys here, Vriska. It might not be our own fault we're stuck in this situation, and it's not like we can do anything but play the part we've been given, but... that doesn't make it any better.

[ Oops. Was she supposed to stay mad? Honestly, if he were anyone else, she might have. This kind of behavior is pretty pathetic. But it's also kind of hard to be mad at someone who so clearly loathes himself. ]

I'm not going to tell you you're wrong about that, [ she says, in that plain way of hers when she thinks she's telling it like it is. ] We are going to very seriously fuck a lot of people up, and we'll be doing it to hurt them as much as possible. It is an incredibly shitty situation to have to be in!

[ ... ]

When I was alive, I did a lot of really sick shit to my friends. People I cared about. I crippled one of them, blinded another, and the third? I made her own boyfriend kill her.

[ The look on her face is kind of flat as she glances down at the sand. ]

I had always thought of them as being off-limits, you know? I never wanted to hurt them. I just ... always ended up doing it anyway. It was like I couldn't stop myself. I found out later there was more than one reason for that.

[ gestures loosely with one hand, rolling her wrist. ]

I was stuck in a temporal loop. We all were. Every single one of us had our actions predestined for us our entire lives. There was only one way everything could have gone. If I'd ever decided to leave my friends alone or not fuck with them so much, all that would have done is create a doomed offshoot timeline. The main timeline was always going to assert itself. The one in which I hurt and killed my friends over and over and over.

[ She'll sigh, stretching her arms over her head. ]

I had a lot of time to think about all of it after I died. Since I was destined to do it, did that make it not my fault? But I definitely decided to do those things, and when they happened, I told myself it was my own free will. And it was, I guess. I was making choices. Choices I knew would have shitty, awful fucking consequences. But I couldn't stop myself. And the timeline wouldn't have permitted me to in the first place.

[ Now she looks at him again, thoughtful and serious. ]

So that's why I'm not going to tell you you're a great guy for killing people, even if the whole point of it is to save everyone. We're going to be awful people making disgusting choices.

[ ... ]

But if you ask me, [ she says, quietly, gently pressing her fingertips to her chin, ] you don't have to be a good person to be a hero.

[He listens to her, more and more uncomfortable with every word. How is he supposed to react to this? Those things she did are terrible, but he also likes her. Why does that seem to be a thing with so many people she meets lately?

And the stuff about predestination and doomed timelines? That just sounds really stupid. Doing something because the timeline wants you to is pretty much the worst possible reason, isn't it?

Why is she even telling him this? Is this supposed to comfort him, or make him less upset or guilty? It's definitely not doing any of those things.]

I'd rather be a good person than a hero. Too bad that's not an option, huh?

[ She's drawing parallels. Vriska can't help but find similarities between her life then and her life right now. In both scenarios, she is going to choose to do extremely shitty things. And in both scenarios, as awful as she's going to be, all she truly wants is to help.

But for now she just raises her eyebrows at him. ]

Of course it's an option. You can do whatever you want. I don't actually know what would happen if you failed to participate, or even tried to leave the Sirens. But that is something you could choose to do.

[He shakes his head.]

Even if I refused to take any kind of active part, I'd still be complicit just by knowing what's going on. I might as well help out.

[ ... ]

Then why did we go through all that bullshit about your existential angst?!

[ Throws her arms!! up!! and stalks away a few steps bye!!

no she comes back. HUFFING. ]

I can't believe I gave you that whole speech about being a shitty person but still trying to help. It was a really good speech, Battler! Totally wasted on the likes of you.

[ ... grumble. ]

I get it, alright? I get it! I am not going to feel great about this either. We will just have to feel really shitty about ourselves together, I guess!

[oh my god vriska he's laughing at you]

I didn't ask you to make a speech, okay!

[Oh, wait. None of this is actually funny.]

I guess the reason we're having this conversation is that I'm not good at feeling shitty about myself. I start making stupid decisions.

[battler you always make stupid decisions]

[ REACHES UP AND

SMOOSHES HIS FACE BETWEEN HER HANDS??

smoosh smoosh smoosh. ]

You are impossible.

[ ... smoosh.

ok she stops after that. ]

How can anyone be bad at feeling shitty about themselves? You are the weirdest loser I have ever met. Whatever, just come talk to me when you're feeling all sad and crappy and I guess I will make stupid long-winded pointless speeches at you until you stop!

Hey!!!

[SWATTING AT HER HANDS STOP SMOOSHING HIM OMG????]

I'm weird, says the alien...!

[okay no but this still isn't actually funny]

This is just going to keep getting worse week by week, isn't it?

This is for that time you smacked me, asshole!

[ You know. When she was acting all insane after the first execution. But fine, fine, she'll let him swat her away.

It's not funny. But it's sort of funny. ]

Yep. Probably!

...I just hope I'll be able to keep going. It's not gonna be easy.

[ ... ]

You'll be fine. You have the rest of us. Not that we aren't a group of maladjusted misfits with enough issues to fill an ocean, but like, it counts for something, right?

Well, maybe. I'll probably end up having another fight with Raven if I get upset in front of her again.

[Is he still a little bitter about things from the last meeting? A BIT.]

Oh yeah. Hey, don't fight with Raven, idiot.

I won't, as long as she doesn't act like I'm not allowed to have feelings.

week 2, sunday, after the trial

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